Goodbye Gallbladder! & Other Lessons I’ve Learned

I’m going to get honest here: this past year has been very hard for me. My health has been all over the map, with no solid diagnosis. As a staunch “type-A fixer,” this proved exceedingly challenging to deal with. Yet, I grew through the experience and took away some valuable lessons (and lost an internal organ) in the process.

Be Patient.

My physical pains started with exhaustion, migraines and joint pains, mostly in my hands. I’m prone to burning the candle at both ends and being a klutz, but this was a gradual build of never-ending sleep-deprivation and constant dropping of things. I eventually stopped using sharp knives, fearing I would lose control of them cutting my other hand, or worse, dropping it on my foot or the dog. I had to intentionally slow myself down, prioritize my workload, and focus on the top three things every day. Instead of a five year plan, it was a daily plan, and learn to be satisfied with that– for now.

Self Advocacy

I’ve never been one to shirk from airing my opinion, but this trip down the medical rabbit hole forced my hand to pull out all stops. I stopped fully relying on doctors when I started getting musical-chaired from one to another without help, and started doing my own research with help from my parents (both medical professionals). Naturally, some conjectures were wrong or off the wall, but some made the new doctors think outside the box, leading to better tests and more interesting discoveries. In December, when finally at the end of my rope with right upper quadrant (abdominal) pain, I had already seen up to five gastro doctors. I was finally referred to a surgeon for gallbladder removal surgery. I was told honestly there was only a 50% success rate; I replied, “it’s 50% better than the 0% I’m working with now.” (So far, it has been successful!) Self advocacy is not selfish, but necessary for forward personal movement.

Efficiency

I had no energy for flowery language, and I needed to get my point across to many people as efficiently as possible. Using skills honed on the job, I gathered all my pertinent medical information and created a Dropbox Excel sheet detailing all my doctors, medications, symptoms, timeline, etc. That way, every doctor I visited would get the same information (albeit, updated when needed).

Communication

“How are you?” is a loaded question for anyone dealing with a chronic illness. When my husband asks me this, I’ll respond “do you want the medical answer or the emotional one?” Depending on the audience, I’ll answer accordingly; not everyone wants to know all my physical plights or which doctor cancelled on me today. Effective communication is crucial between working professionals (colleges, doctor/patient) as much as it is in a relationship (friends, lovers).

Where I know I still struggle is when I’m in pain I can take it out on those around me. A combination of high expectations and high pain does no one good. This has resulted in more than a few apologetic conversations (understood by those on the receiving end, thankfully). This is where a practice in mindfulness has been valuable.

Mindfulness

Focusing on the here and now through deep breaths and grounding practices has helped me harness the pain and frustrations of chronic illness. As my mother has always said, “the only thing you can control is your own response.” It also helps me calm my fight/flight/freeze response that is artificially triggered by my overactive and in-pain body. Practicing mindfulness daily has helped me continue to do my work through this year’s ordeal, keep my cool, and generally not chew anyone’s head off.

Goal Setting

As a do-er, I love making lists and crossing things out. My “to do” post its are typically 20 bullets or more long, and expected to be done within a day or less. So when my symptoms started relegating me to my bed for more hours every day, I felt so unproductive, and therefore, unworthy. This may be the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn. I have learned to re-prioritize my daily, weekly, monthly goals depending on how much energy I have. I also am learning that my productivity does not equate to my intrinsic value, though I still highly value my productivity and quality of work… that’s making progress. I’ve found that breaking up my giant “to do” list into bite sized chunks for daily “dones” gives me the same satisfaction, but at a slightly less break-neck pace.

Gallbladders Are Accessories?

Lastly, our bile reservoir, the gallbladder, is apparently an accessory organ. This little guy (which came out hard and bigger than a golf ball!) seemed to have been a big part of my issues, but to what extent, we will wait and see. Although I would have much rather skipped this pain, the lessons learned from pushing through it will help propel me easily into 2019 and the rest of my life.